Bombshell, mixed media on paper
My art has always been about healing, my art journals are my jumping off point for exploring what is going on in my head or in the world. Recently there’s been a lot of healing to do – from bereavement, from surgery (goodbye troublesome gallbladder) and from something entirely unexpected …
Over the last few years, I have had episodes where I would lose my sense of smell and taste entirely. As it was definitely unrelated to Covid, it was suspected I had nasal polyps, so was referred for an MRI scan. The scan results confirmed I have polyps, but there was something a little more shocking in the results – a 4cm brain tumour deep in the centre of my brain! That’s the size of a golf ball!
As I’m sure you can imagine, this news was a bit of a bombshell and as it was an incidental discovery by the ENT department, the news came with no real explanation or support. We had an anxious few weeks (fuelled by the inevitable results of too much googling) before we saw a neurosurgeon in Edinburgh.
Mindstorm, mixed media on paper
The good news:
- It is non-malignant and should not develop into cancer
- It is not in a location likely to affect my vision or fine motor control
- As an asymptomatic, incidental discovery, I have no symptoms that prevent me driving
- I’m now under the care of a multi-disciplinary team in Edinburgh, so if it causes problems in the future, I have a fast track to the people and treatment I need
- I discovered a wonderful charity called The Braintrust who have been super supportive, and I know I can turn to them with any questions
The bad news:
- The neurological team are not entirely sure what kind of tumour it is, but say it is probably a meningioma – a tumour on the lining of the brain (the meninges)
- At 4cm (about the size of a golf ball) it is classed as ‘large’ which means it is too big for gamma knife surgery, a type of highly focused radiotherapy, so if it causes problems in the future, it will require brain surgery
- It’s in a deep location, in an area called the falx – the crease between the two halves of the brain, most meningiomas are closer to the skull and a bit easier to operate on
What else we know:
How a tumour affects the body depends on which part of the brain it is putting pressure on and there is a long list of possible symptoms for mine that includes severe fatigue, loss of balance, dizziness, headaches, tinnitus, personality changes, memory problems, muscle weakness and more. It would seem I have developed a pretty symmetrical one in a central location which is probably why I haven’t had much in the way of balance issues.
They can tell that it has been there a long time – to grow to that size means I must have had it for years. A second scan three months after the first showed no perceptible changes, so I’m now on the ‘watch and wait’ plan which equates to annual scans.
The reality:
Mentally, it’s like a pandora’s box of fresh anxiety, worry and fear has been opened and it’s really hard to get those things back in the box. I have to avoid the temptation to make it the scapegoat for any health issues, but it’s impossible not to try and make connections.
I had begun to notice some short-term memory issues before the diagnosis and my neurosurgeon did pick up on that as probably being connected. I thought I was getting Alzheimers like my Dad and my aunt so in some ways it’s a relief to have an alternative explanation for that. It is a different memory mechanism to Alzheimers or dementia though, so not a precursor to it. I can definitely tick the box for fatigue and tinnitus (I had to give up my new drumming hobby due to tinnitus), and I know my personality has changed – I am not the outgoing, confident person I used to be.
How it’s impacting my art
My initial creations right after the diagnosis were messy and chaotic with drips of viscous black gel creating disjointed lumpy marks. I look at these now as the ‘shock’ phase. That led on to some more expressive abstract work with tar gel, a very unpredictable medium that drips long continuous lines that are hard to control. I then added colour and gold to the paintings, transforming them into shimmering pieces that I find quite mesmerising. The images above are scans which don’t show the metallics at all and even the camera doesn’t do justice to the transforming effect of the shimmering gold. These are pieces you have to see with your eyes rather than through a screen.
Some of those initial paintings have been transformed into a paper mosaic. The process was slow, precise and quite meditative to produce, reflecting both the shattering news of the diagnosis and my attempt to gather these fragments into something new and balanced, creating beauty from ugliness, order from chaos. I have plans to develop this idea further.
The future
In the future, I expect my art will continue to mirror my journey through this unexpected chapter and my art journals will continue to be my best tool to support my mental health. My friends and family have been amazing. I’ll never forget the ‘journey bag’ my friend Linda gave me for the first trip up to Edinburgh to talk to the neurologist – a bag of treats and gifts to take my mind off things, including a coaster I was tempted to gift straight back at her, it says ‘Excellent friend. Would recommend.’
I am now aware that there are many people who have been living with non-malignant brain tumours for years with no symptoms. I also know two people who have had successful brain surgery, so I have every hope that this is just a glitch in the matrix, a test of my mental rather than physical resilience, and the alien will continue to dwell in peace in the inner recesses of my surprisingly capacious brain!
I shall get on with making more art …
Hi Glenda. You won’t remember me, but I think I first meet you when you had Chocolate Baroque! We were at a trade weekend – I think organised by Woodware?
I’m so sorry to hear your health news, and am thinking of you and sending gentle hugs. ❤️
hi Lorraine – thank you so much for your kind message, it’s much appreciated. Was that trade weekend the one with Magenta stamps – I remember really enjoying that one. xx
Yes, I think it was! vaguely remember somewhere in Yorkshire.. we went to the factory after the classes were over and came away with lots of bargains, as well as the “freebies” from the classes. A very enjoyable weekend! x
hi Glenda, so sorry to hear that you have had to be dealing with all this worry and health issues. Thinking of you and sending you crafty hugs, take care xx ps I really miss your mixed media classes x
hi Val, lovely to hear from you, hope you’re well? I’d like to run classes here at some point, I just need a bit of time to find my feet in the new studio and may actually have to run classes in the house as the studio is quite small for teaching. If you are able to travel to Drummore, I’ll be sure to let you know when I’m teaching again. xx
Oh Glenda. Not good news but it sounds like not the worst either. Sending love and hugs to you and Adrian. Keep strong and keep on with your art. Make the most of your new studio
Lots of love. Margaret
Thanks Margaret – that’s a very good way to put it and yes, it’s not as bad as we initially thought. I fully intend to make the most of the new studio! xx
Fabulous blog Glenda. Such an insightful read.
Thanks Ruth – fabulous to see you yesterday and good luck with your Spring Fling adventure this year! xx
Thinking of you at this difficult time, although I’ve taken some comfort the way you have described your journey with this all, I do hope things stay in a settled state as they have done for a while and when you didn’t know about this all. But knowing and having the team ready will bring you comfort I do hope. Sending hugs to you and Adrian too, plus your special friend Linda, that journey bag sounds just the perfect thing. Xxx
thanks Suzanne – yes I see it as a positive thing that I should get straight to the right people if I develop any dodgy symptoms in the future! Linda is one in a million! xx
So sorry about your diagnosis. I have had 2 ops in less than 18 months for unrelated cancers. I feel well, but there is and always will be that niggle in the back of my mind. What next? I am trying to live day to day. My personality has changed as I age and I enjoy sitting and relaxing a lot more than I used to. The 6-monthly check ups are a pain but at least any changes should be picked up quickly. I love your art work and still have your CDs. I am currently changing from Windows 10 to Windows 11. Wishing you all the best and stay strong and healthy.
love
Val
hi Valerie, sorry to hear you’ve been through cancer, but glad you’re feeling well now. And thanks for your compliment on my art, hope you’re still enjoying crafting.
I used to follow you from the first time on the internet I have always loved your work and followed you up to your move to Scotland and then somehow I lost you.I am sad to hear all thebad things you have been through.This time is going to be tough but you seem to be a very strong woman and I hope withall my heart you get through this.Your art is an inspiration I am not capable of drawing even a cat but I love your work it always makes me happy there is such depth you see something new every time you look. I am very happy you are back in my life much love Michelexxx
hi Michele, thanks so much for your lovely comment and glad you’ve found my website. I’m glad you find my art inspiring, it comes straight from the heart.
Sorry to hear your health news. It must be such a stressful time. Pleased to hear your are still creating art. You know, I am a great believer that things happen for us not to us. I know that sounds strange under the circumstances but it does help to think along those lines. Some times things happen to shake us up and make us sit up and re-evaluate everything and see what is truly important. I am so jealous of your new studio!!!!! Mind you I was jealous of your old one! lol! Hope you share photos of the inside in the future. Get making that art!!!!! Sending love and hugs to you and Adrian. Flo x
hi Flo, how lovely to hear from you – hope you’re well? That’s a very philosophical way to look at things, a great viewpoint switch which I shall do my best to remember. I will get some photos of the inside once I’ve finished tidying it up for Spring Fling!
Dear Glenda. I’m so sorry to hear about your health scare but glad that it’s non-malignant . You’ve both had rotten luck health-wise recently but you’ve faced it all with your usual optimism and sense of humour and I’m sure all will be well. Continue to make your beautiful art in your wonderful new studio. I hope to see you next time I’m in Drummore. xx
Thanks Sharon – it would be great to see you next time you’re up here. You’ll have to come and see the new studio! xx
That’s difficult information to process for you, good to see your art is giving you a way to process it all, it comes to us when we need it most doesn’t it x
Wishing you well
Jane x
Thanks Jane, yes the new studio has been my beacon of hope, so I’m looking forward to spending more time in there. xx
oh lovely Glenda, what a year it’s been for you. you’re so brave for sharing this. I’m so sorry to hear this news, but the positives sounds good. sending you huge amounts of love. enjoy your new studio and I hope you’re journal keeps you centered xxx
Thank you Gina – I debated sharing it for ages, but wanted to get it out there before Spring Fling so I could talk honestly about the artwork that resulted from the diagnosis. I’m glad I did, I met a lady who also has a tumour and had a great conversation with a man who was shot in the head 20 years ago and still has two bullets in his brain!
Wow Glenda , I am so sorry to hear about your tumour but relieved to hear it’s not malignant
My sister had a benign brain tumour removed from the base of her skull . She had every symptom associated with brain tumours ado recrived treatment very quickly .
I have everything crossed for you that your tumour stays golf ball sized. Hopefully I will see you soon when we are next over your way
Sending a big hug xx
My friend’s tumour was near the base of the skull and was successfully removed years ago. I hope your sister is doing well and please do give us a shout when you’re over here next. xx